300 NUMBSKULLS

"SPAAAAAAAAAATANS.... ARE YOU READY TO DIE FOR YOUR FREEDOM?"

299 numbskulls, all with 6 packs* and brains the sizes of small peas replied in unison, wielding their swords and shields simultaneously….

"AHOOO AHOOO AHOOOOOO"

At this point I was very curious to know whether they meant "Yes O King Leonid-arse" or " go-screw-yourself-O-KING". It was hard to tell really.

If anyone reading this has not figured out yet, I'm referring to the movie 300 that I was forced to see last night. Apart from giving a review on the story, this article will basically tell the readers why the Spartans were such feared and respected warriors. I request all the history professors who wish to see the movie (or read this write up) to kindly shut their *beeps* as all characters/facts portrayed in this film may or MAY NOT be real.(mostly may not)

Anyway, back to the movie *grimaces*... The story review can be elaborated (with great difficulty) in half a line à "300 brave Spartans got slaughtered by a million Persians "...OOOPS...did I spoil it for you guys???...Awwwww..... Too bad!!!! Apart from the great story, the dialogues are sure to leave a tear in the eye. This, coming from an emotionally strong person - I was weeping uncontrollably and moaning loudly throughout the movie(I was not alone. Some people were crying for a full refund and compensation for mental and emotional distress...the others were crying for mercy or the interval)

A little insight into the life of an average Spartan - Spartans were these Greek lunatics who would do ANYTHING to get themselves killed. ** At birth, the boy child was checked from all angles. If he was found to have brains, he was thrown from the top of a cliff to sure death. If he didn't, he was spared and raised to the age of 7, when he was ruthlessly separated from his mother, to be made into a man.(Huh....Like he would have grown to be anything else!!!) Every self respecting Spartan lad had posters of Arnold Schwarzenegger stuck on the walls of his extreeeeeemely austere surroundings. Yes people...they were austere I tell you..... No jacuzzis, beds, fans, sofa sets, expensive pianos, MP3 Players or Mickey Mouse accessories... NOTHING...

A typical Spartan boy's day started at 3:30 in the morning where he was CLUBBED on the head repeatedly till he woke up. If he did not wake up or refused to cooperate, he was thrown into the lion's cage for breakfast. ( i.e. the lion's) If he woke up, he was thrown into the lion's cage anyway for his first lesson of the day where he had to wrestle with 2 storey tall lions*** bare handed. At 11:30, it was lunch time (again, for the lions.... Spartans and eating???Don't kid yourself...Spartans never ate...too much of a luxury!!) . At around 1 in the afternoon, he had to report to the Sword Jabbing and Spear thrusting (even into remotely inaccessible places of the body)class. This is the place where most Spartan warriors got most of their wounds. They were jabbed till they bled. Some lost their eyes **** but were made to do so with a smile on the peach. From 6:30 PM onwards till he finally fell in exhaustion,it was self study....i.e. self whipping, self clubbing and head banging (and I don't mean to music)

The above mentioned routine would be followed for 7-8 years till the boy reached the age of 15. He was almost a man now and there was only one task left for him to face…the most dreadful of them all. He would be locked in this room which had a 15000 Mhz BOSE speaker at every corner. The latest SONY system of the day would be kept near the pile of human skulls on the only stone table in the room. As soon as the boy entered and the door was closed, LOUD BRITNEY SPEARS MUSIC would be played for half an hour. *shudders*......Most Spartan boys, even the deaf ones, died within the first 15 seconds. If the lad survived the ordeal he was then accepted as a REAL SPARTAN..... Ruthless, deranged(cant blame them really..), blood starved and 6 packed.

Our King Leonid-arse passed all these tasks with flying colours…Rumour has is that he actually asked for Back Street Boys numbers soon after coming out of the coma he had gotten into post 30 minutes of Britney…(Oh so brave!!!). History will ALWAYS remember our brave king for this. It may be of little consequence here, but history might also remember him for the dumb-ass he was - for leading his 299 men against all odds into battle against a million Persians.(being battered in the head so many times made the Spartans a bit poor in Maths…. The stupid ****s didn't realize that 300 <<<<<<<<< 1 million) And on this happy note, I shall go and find something else to blabber about and end by saying

HAIL KING LEONID-ARSE

AHOOO AHOOO AHOOOOOOO

* At 6 packs per warrior and 8 for the King(don't ask how), thats 1802 packs......Result: COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF PLASTIC used in the making of the film!!!) Also, 2 million gallons of red paint, one million Persians and shit loads of artificial beards were used. No Persians or animals were harmed in the making of this film(though one elephant *** took its own life by strangling itself with its trunk when they tried to overfeed it) More than half the movie was in slow motion. I'm sure that if all those scenes in slow motion were made to normal speed, the movie would be of 20 minutes duration (MAX)

**In this one particular scene, one of those 6-packed warriors says to another 6 packed warrior that he has fought many a battle and yet not come across a worthy sword to be stabbed by and be slain with. I almost burst out laughing but refrained as the chap sitting next to me had got into this deep slumber which I didn't wish to disturb(he may have been dead...I didn't check)

*** The animals in this movie were PUMPPPPED with steroids and size enhancing hormones. The wolf in the first screen would give the modern Siberian white tiger a MAJOR inferiority complex . The body of the Rhino in a subsequent scene is said to have been used as the body of one of the Brachiosaurus Dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movie (the humongous green one which comes in the first scene of JP1 remember?)

**** in a pathetic attempt to promote comedy in an otherwise humorless movie, the director added a scene where one brave 6-packed Spartan, looses an eye in the battle. When asked by King Leonid-arse if he's ok, our brave 6-packed Spartan merely laughs and says "I AM GRATEFUL TO GOD FOR HE GAVE ME A SPARE" (this as he jabs the other eye to prove his point to his beloved king)